My two girl friends who love each other have threatened me that if I partake in urine extraction or try to be humourous in any way about our night out, then they will never take me frock shopping, never give me a complete body wax, never dress me up as a tranny and never invite me to Vanilla ever again! So here goes…

A basic schoolboy error to start with. I'd bought a lovely thong 'body' to wear under my frock but unfortunately I didn't buy one of those that unclips underneath. This meant that every time I needed to go for a pee I had to get completely naked! This completely ruled out my fantasy of hitching my frock up and using my regular standing position. At one point I actually wished I had a colostemy bag fitted! You know what its like, you hang on and hang on with that first one because like the 42 bus, once it appears they never stop! Another problem was the massive high heels I'd bought (against the advice of Trinny & Susannah) as I kept falling over even though relatively untouched by alcohol. Fortunately, the place soon got packed and it became impossible to move never mind fall over.

Now, I'm not a bald man. So I get very sweaty in clubs as apparently you lose 60% of your body heat through your head. If you've ever hired a furry fancy dress costume and immediately regretted it then you'll have some idea of what its like not to be bald and to be wearing a wig in a packed club full of women who don't wear deodorant. I was sweating like Fern Britton in a sauna. Normally, I just wipe the stuff off on my shirtsleeve or someone else's shirtsleeve but tonight I didn't have a shirtsleeve. My second schoolboy error was not to buy waterproof mascara, and I was beginning to regret not buying that stay-put lipstick thingy either. Needless to say, my face started to resemble an adolescent whose acne had burst. No wonder women are constantly in the ladies re-applying their face!

At some point we left Vanilla and spent the rest of the evening hopping from bar to bar along Canal Street. In my case it was literally hopping as I couldn't actually walk. This was a whole new experience as having left the safety of girls only Vanilla where believe it or not I was actually the least attractive female there - apparently on the Street I was now 'fair game'. Anyway, I must say that I did have a fantastic night and I learned a lot of valuable lessons, particularly how annoying it is to be constantly hit upon by people you wouldn't give a pound to even if their bike really had been stolen. I mean, just because I'm in drag doesn't mean I'm gay - does it?

P.S. to Trinny & Susannah - I do love you both, thank you, and "Yes" I would do it again. xx